to be young

as my fist tightens and my blue veins jut out, my wrist quivers with pressure. the meaty contents of my hand molds to the force of my tiny finger tips. warm, thick blood wraps around and runs down my forearm like rain on a pane of glass.

as i stand in my towel they don't notice me watching them scream. the heart in my right hand goes unnoticed as voices raise and feelings are hurt. thrashing back and fourth like paint strewn on a canvas their argument tears me apart. i want to scream, "hold me!". But i know they wouldn't listen. the battle has taken them, and they have forgotten who they are. and with this, they have forgotten me and the warm organ in my hand.

i paint my face with the blood of my possession. an object i massage and admire. i look to it with love because i know i can destroy it. stabbing through it's leathery skin with my dull finger nails. i have extracted it from the body of my love. the one i loved from day one. but as i lift the heart out, and hold it as a separate thing, the body grows cold and gray.

they scream.
fighting means leaving.
and i will be left alone.
i can't control it. the fight has taken over.
but i don't mean what i say. these insecurities aren't mine.
i can't begin to offer the bloody heart in my hand. it's the only one I have.

and as he leaves i know i have failed.
and i am all alone: mess in hand, and broken heart on the floor.

fix me: old poems by a younger girl, together revised. (probably a mistake)

1. the city is polluted.
but on the surface it's shiny and well.
the underbelly of people's lives are rotten and decaying, and i'm afraid i bought in.

people are sick.
this city is sick.
cheap sex is sick.

yeah sure, piss in my mouth and punch me in the face. i didn't love you anyway.
these people don't know love.
and now in the face of chance, in the face of optimism, i need to be cynical. You see, chances are this new one is as trashy as the last; as fucked up as the whores he's supposedly slept with.

it's hard when you get what you want and then realize it wasn't what you thought. these people are 'popular' because they're ruthless. leave me out of it. they just want more players.

and there it is. i'm as cynical as the first one had told me i would be.
damn, maybe i was too optimistic.

2. late nights, early mornings
something has got to give.

i cant sleep. my stomach turns. i don't even know you.
i stay up late. i stayed in to sleep. but i cant.
i want to be out.
i want to drink.

i made a decision. now i'm nervous. but it doesn't matter.
really i am me.
and i am loved.
even if not by you.


3. when i was you and you were someone else

in-love with a feeling.
but i am empty.
and tired.
and my eyes feel heavy.
i cant work. i won't work. anything takes too long.

you steer my day and don't even know.
i make you something.
you wont miss me when i'm gone,
because i was never there,
but to me it has been ages.
i wonder if you'll feel it.
i wouldn't want you if i had you anyway.

this town is the same as the next.
the same as anything.
it's the chase we are after.
don't give in.
if you'd want me it wouldn't be true.

4. in love with her from day one

woke up late. no sun to rejuvenate. school. a number. post alcohol. thought about writing. thought about writing you. thought about reading. scrolled through life, someone else's for that matter. we wont meet again. moving lightly like sunlight. felt sorry for going without you. missed a friend. the teddy bear didn't cuddle back. no shoes, no smiles. lets see how this goes. a new love would be nice.